Musings, Philosophizings, and Etcetera

What I'm learning from 3:00am

2011-01-21T23:46:00.000-08:00

They say that, for many people, the greatest fear they have to deal with on a regular basis is the last, deafeningly silent minutes (or hours) before sleep.
You would possibly think that such moments are a time of stillness and calm in the last waking hours before sleep... but it seems that it is just the opposite.

Who am I kidding, speaking like I don't know what their talking about?

How many times have you been restless and incapable of sleep because your mind continue to run a mile a minute? I've been there. I've had miserable nights before.
They say that for many of those people, they can't handle the fact that they have to confront who they are, what they're about, and those deeper questions that bug us all. The deafening silence in the moment that the worries and concerns and stresses of the day come busting in and troubling us when we ought to be getting rest.

In those rare times when my mind is relatively clear of concern, I know that my imagination likes to play around in those last moments. From the silly to the ridiculous, it's kind of like daydreaming before real-dreaming. I don't fear the darkness before bed in those times.

It's the times like tonight that I do.

My bed is waiting, my lamp yearning to be given a rest from the strain my awakeness is putting it through. I know that the moment the lights are out and I'm left alone to my thoughts, my imagination isn't going to run it's merry course until I lose consciousness.
I know that "the big things" are going to come play. The big things that I invest so much "escapism" in to avoid having to confront. I have come to recognize them as kind of the "big three".
I'll not go into my personal specifics, but let's say... work, love, and the inherent doubt of both.

It's the last of these that I'm learning a lot from.

Let's say, in a way, I often play the role of something of a fool. I relish some of these times, and in a way I feel as if I put my chin out and tell Doubt, "Give me your best shot." And let me tell you, that sucker has laid some SOLID ones on me. It hasn't been recently, but I know there were nights in college that I was sent reeling.
I'd like to say I've started to steel myself to the hooks and jabs of Doubt.
Some would say I'm stupid for challenging Doubt to try to look for the gaps in my armor.

In a way, I feel that Doubt gives me exercise on the grip of my Hope.

The harder Doubt hits, the tighter I have to hold on to Hope.

I believe Hope is a precious commodity. REGARDLESS OF POLITICAL STANCE, you have to give President Obama and his campaign one thing: They found something that people craved. Something that many people lose sight of, as the mountain ranges of "the real world" loom ever taller in the horizon of life.

As I think of it, it seems like the foolishness of standing on the brink. It might make you feel nervous that Doubt is going to lay on the almighty one-two and send your crashing into his compatriot, Despair. And as I think a little further, I can't imagine what it would be like to lay down in bed at night, with no Hope to hold on to, and let Doubt do its work on you.

I feel like 3am is teaching me something each time I allow it to creep up on me.

Unless the sole reason for being awake at 3am can be blamed on youtube, like tonight...

Find something to Hope in. Because Doubt and Despair are not opponents you can conquer. You can weather them and overcome them, but they will always be back for more.

Hope.

The Call and the Leap

2010-10-07T13:28:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in most people's lives (I say most, because I know there are some that either never heed or never hear) when they receive their call.
For some, I think it comes in the calm, quiet sense of purpose that arises from the soul. For some, perhaps it is a literal voice acknowledging or inviting a person to this new place or position. And for others, maybe it is the passion that is suddenly felt when doing a certain thing, or being allowed to flex the 'muscles' that they have been gifted with.
All great ways to sense your calling.

But what if you feel like you have been called to take a leap of faith?

In the past, I have thought about the concept of the 'leap of faith' from Kierkegaard. The thing that sticks out prominently is the issue of faith and doubt coming hand-in-hand. To have the capacity to have great faith, there must be the reality of great doubt to either conquer or overcome. The extreme, and terribly overused and cliche, example is Indiana Jones taking "a leap of faith from the lions head". Now, not everyday are we put in the situation where such a leap could end in our demise. But how often are we placed in the situation where we feel like our decision determines the course for our lives?

I don't like the idea that you can make a decision that will alter your future forever. I believe we have been created as beings of free will to choose for ourselves. I also believe that most people pursue life choices that ultimately benefit or better their current situation. That said, I don't believe in scenarios in which you are forced to make a hard decision (perhaps between two GOOD options) and then a cruel, uncaring God responds with, "WRONG CHOICE. I'm over here. Good luck getting back."

But what happens when you are placed in a circumstance in which you feel a strong calling, a profound directive, to do something which you don't perceive to have any results, positive or negative? So you make the choice. Perhaps you have chosen to step up to the plate, take a crack at that ball, and.....

What game are we playing? Baseball? Softball? Cricket?........ Rugby?

Someone said recently that it feels like jumping off a cliff, and either waiting for a parachute to open or for gravity to take it's toll.
Another place I've read, you take a leap of faith and you either find something to hold on to, or you learn how to fly.

I've taken such a leap. I've felt such a call, yet perceived no true result to the obedience which I might display. I am terrified to the point of tears, yet confident that my lifeline will be thrown soon.

So I'm reaching out with open hands...

Futility Redux

2010-01-10T21:52:00.000-08:00

Almost a year from Futility.

Today, it still feels like Futility.

No clarity. No direction. No possibilities. No connections. No drive. No passion. No hope. No faith.

It's hard struggling with these feelings. Hard seeing it not only be in your own life, but in that of others close to you. It's no secret that my family is struggling a little, looking at different possibilities for the future. But those are just as unknown as anything else. Something's gotta give, you would think.

It feels like a holding pattern, and one that never seems to relent.
The jokes that my family makes about "sure wish God would let us in on a little bit of what He wants or has planned"... the fact that I know that those jokes are the kind that make you "laugh to keep from crying."

Being mad at God is stupid. Already went there before. Really just stupid.
But impatient. Confused. Crushed.

Still going on promises... holding as tight as possible to promises... cause they're all that's left sometimes.

I sound so faithless right now... I know...

All I can do is hope. Hope that, like it says, 'Though we are faithless, He is faithful."

*sigh*....

Looking Beyond

2009-05-28T22:46:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, a new post. I know, they've been so sparse....... Whatev.

My spurred thought for this evening: Sometimes I don't understand how some people can be so easily dissuaded by personal life, issues, problems, and pasts.

It makes my heart hurt sometimes that a person would be so terrified to reveal deep, dark secrets to people because they are immediately afraid of judgment. Who are we, if not hypocrites, to condemn them?

It equally breaks my heart to have someone reveal one of those things, and for them to be so touched by the positive reaction of the listener. I know... it's been me, before. And it hurt in my soul that my natural reaction of love towards a hurting person was the most unexpected reaction imagined.

We all hurt. We're all broken. Some of us, as the song says, broken till we shatter. We're as a whole, a scattered mess of pieces lying on the floor, interacting within the "shame" of our brokenness... our human-ness... and expecting other people to descend upon us in judgment for the poor shape our vessel contains...

Our vessels are destroyed. But love brings out the beauty in the pattern of these broken crystals, these broken souls.

It's love... it's all we need. Not just the love of an individual partner... but the love of our fellows.

I challenge you, today. Love someone who is unlovable. And I'll do the same thing. Maybe, just maybe, we can make a difference in this world.

And if nothing else, in one person's life.... you can make a world of difference....

Fate and Coincidence, Doors and Windows

2009-03-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

So you've all heard the old saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."

First of all, as a random thought, who ever wants to go out a window? Are we escaping a fire? Isn't there usually a fall outside a window? Why doesn't He open another door, as a more normal method of advancing from where we are?

Okay, just wanted to get that off my chest.

I don't believe in coincidences. I think things happen for a reason and a purpose, even sometimes in the most miniscule ways. But I also don't believe that things are locked, in that Fate sort of way. I believe that there are ways that mankind can contradict something of design. We do, after all, have the ability to make decisions for ourselves.

But when it comes to the point about doors, I'm just not sure what to do with it. I'm reminded of a joke where a man sits atop his roof as the floodwaters have submerged his house. A rescue boat drifts by and offers to help. He refuses, saying God will save him. Next is a helicopter. Same response. Then the waters rise and he drowns. At the gates of Heaven, he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" To which God replies, "I sent you help, but you never took it!"

So I believe that God opens doors, He sets about plans, He has an intention for my life. But since I am a creature of free will and choice, I have to step through those doors. So... what happens if my doubt anchors me so that I never choose to step through any door? I am stuck, unsure of what the "right" and "wrong" paths for my life are. I overanalyze my entire being. And when that's all finished, I realize that I'm still in the same place as I was before, because I never chose to actually go anywhere.

And now I have taken a step towards a door - a right or wrong door, it doesn't matter - but at least I have taken the step. I think it's more disappointing to not choose at all, than to "choose wrong." But this doesn't exactly give me courage toward the decisions that I've made. I still sit back in my nerves and anxiety and wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

Making decisions is hard. Sometimes life can be so difficult, you know?

Undivided Devotion

2009-03-13T08:34:00.001-07:00

I Corinthians 7:25-35 TNIV
"Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
"What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who are married should live as if they were not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband.
"I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in UNDIVIDED DEVOTION TO THE LORD."

So what is Paul saying here? You can't ever disregard the cultural context of a particular verse - in fact, it is your responsibility to first consider it before attempting to apply it today. Obviously, 2000 years later, we realize that the time was not as short as Paul seems to say, but that may not be the point. In the grand scheme of ETERNITY, sure, our time on this earth is very short. But perhaps that spans much longer than any lifetime.

Perhaps we are thinking of this verse along the lines of the saying (albeit cheesy sometimes) "I want to be so in love with God that a guy/girl has to find HIM to find me" or whatever other variation on that theme you can come up with. Our responsibility is to be wholly devoted to God, and for our attraction to be more based on similar devotion with another believer. Maybe?

So when does the devotion to the Lord become "too much"? I have heard it said that if your job begins to infringe on your relationship with your family, then you should cool it on the job and reestablish your family time. But what if your job IS ministry? Your job is, in essence, devotion to the Lord? Or do we presume that one's devotion to the Lord has shifted to devotion to a ministry/job, and that there must be a redefining of motive and intention?

It seems a paradox, somewhat. God created marriage, and certainly we see that the first instance of it was in a direct relationship with God at the same time. But here, it seems that Paul may not believe in the ability of a married couple to remain wholly devoted to God.

I certainly understand the idea: One's devotion to God is truly challenged when there are worldly, and marital, issues at hand. The work and difficulty that is inherent in marriage are sure to draw attention aside. But I ask this: Aren't there just as many other things that do exactly that as well? Why do we pay particular attention to marriage as having the potential to distract from a relationship with God?

Relationship with video games? With money? With social situations? With the self?

There are plenty of other obstacles here. And they are things that you daily attempt to tackle by yourself. Could not a spouse, with equal understanding of a whole devotion to God, be the best thing for a person?

Perhaps that's what might be understood when Paul says, "Those who are married should live as if they were not." Two individuals, both with a strong relationship with God, living together and attacking the challenges of life together. Both understand that the first-and-foremost thing in their lives is their devotion to God - perhaps so much so that they become more concerned with those things than even their own relationship. But could that really work? Surely there are times in which one might say, "I need a little of your time now, please."

It seems difficult to me... On one hand, we were not created to be alone. We are discontent, alone. We need another half. But on the other hand, the very thing we, as human beings, need is the very thing that is suggested to distract us from God the most. Hmm...

So do I search out a spouse? Perhaps not actively. As Jesus Himself says, "I must be about my Father's business." But surely He felt this strain as well. He did, after all, experience and deal with all the things we deal with. So what were His thoughts? Do man and woman disregard each other for sake of their ministry to the rest of the world? Do man and woman attempt to unite for the sake of their ministry?

Maybe there is a person who has the exact same calling, to the exact same ministry as you. Perhaps you are passionate about the same exact thing, and therefore your relationship/marriage allows you to remain wholly devoted to God, even within your seperate lives.

Perhaps two people realize the identical nature of their calling, and just say, "Hey, I do this; You do this; Do you want to do this together, for the rest of our lives?" But does a relationship based heavily on a identical call to ministry stand? Shouldn't it? Wouldn't God bless that relationship?

Who knows? Do you?

Futility

2009-01-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

In our lives there are times when we just feel like there's nothing we can do, no successes to be had, noplace better to go. It's true for all of us, I'm absolutely certain. It feels like all your work is for naught, all your faith is in vain, and all your hopes are worth dust. And in those times, there come mixed emotions, especially in someone who "knows all the right answers."
"Rejoice in the hard times"
"Even so, it is well with my soul"
And so on...

But to be honest with ourselves, don't we all sit back at the same time and think, "What's the deal? Are You up there?" I mean, even if there was an explanation that 'it was someone else's turn for the attention' then I'd be alright. But I know that His attention is always on me. And I know, I know, He has my best in mind... but knowing and feeling are two different things.
How do I feel?

Like I'm stuck. Like I'm not able to feel at peace or in pain. That I don't understand. That I am fighting off doubt. That I'm warding off anger.

And the answers don't help me, yet. I know I have to wait. I know I have to pray. I know I have to have faith. But sometimes that's not good enough... When you have lost you faith, how does "you gotta have faith" help? That's my point.

I'm not mad at God. Because, I mean, He could destroy me. With a flicker of half a thought. And again, I know that "He'sa cookin' something up."
But alas, the faithless, impatient, mortal that I am... I want to KNOW.
And knowing the future is impossible.

Someday, I'll look back and laugh. Look back and smile at the way I acted when God had everything under control. Someday, this will be a fond memory of what I've grown out of. Someday, things will make a little bit more sense.

Today, it feels like futility.

To be Content... or the alternative

2008-12-31T21:59:00.000-08:00

I hazard to make the statement that Life is a study on contentment. A study in which many, many of the subjects are failing. Why? Because I don't have... I want... I'm not... It's not fair...
So really, what does it mean to be content?
Is it a thing that is subject to the perception of an individual?
Is there a standard of contentment of some kind?
Perhaps that is not the point.
All the newest and best Things are never going to be enough, because there's always Thing 2.0 coming out in a few months. There's always Halo 7. Playstation 10. Xbox 1-2-Many. And on and on. But how does one become content, especially in a world where it seems like practically EVERYONE is practicing discontentment?

The Answer: I don't know. I certainly haven't been able to find contentment yet. There are times that I've thought I have, but, true to form, it just wasn't right. Wasn't enough. And on.

But on the flip side of it, what about the other alternative to contentment?
To be complacent.

To "have all that one needs" and yet not do anything, be anything, strive....
How often do we find ourselves there? Perhaps not so often, if we can't become content in the first place.
But how does one acheive contentment when, on one side, everyone is falling into the pit of despair and Desire, and the other half is "content" to do nothing more with their lives?

I think I've set on that side too long. Perhaps I have been "content". I'd hazard to say that I've been happy, even... But happy in what? Happy in something that could be stripped away? Happy in something that could be lost? And when that time comes, and those things are gone, where is my happiness?
Gone.

I think my contentment needs to have a new source. An Old Source, if you want to argue semantics. A source that I have tried, and failed, to stay close to so many times in my life.
I want hope. I want happiness. I want contentment. And not by earthly means.

I want You.
Take this withered heart of mine and make it new.

Why?

2008-09-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

So on my almost-daily venture to Caribou Coffee for my almost-daily bout of attempted creativity and otherwise not-having-a-job-ness, there was a man standing on the corner of a major intersection I was going through, and he was holding a large sign with large print that said: "WHY?"

Now, my immediate response to this particular situation (if I was quick-witted enough, and it hadn't been relatively early in the morning (Noonish)) I would have driven past him and cried out my window: "WHY NOT?"
This got a good chuckle out of both my family, some of my friends, some of the Caribou employees.... and then I promptly forgot about it.

Today, in a similar day of not-having-a-job-ness, another man came in for coffee who was holding the same sign. And this time I actually stopped to think about it. 'Why'. An otherwise horrible product or advertisement placing, based on the fact that there was no other explanation of the sign, and it's entirely impossible for one to just stop real quick and ask what the sign is for. Busy intersections are rarely good for that sort of idiocy. So regardless of whatever company, product, ideal, or cause that this sign is standing for, I got to thinking about it.

WHY?

Such a small word, and yet it can bring about the entire downfall of lives, beliefs, faiths. It shakes the steadfastness of the strong and undermines the roots of the immovable, does it not?

WHY?

Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why am I here on this earth?
Why am I not succeeding?
Why is God not speaking to me?
Why is God NOT THERE?
Why, Why, WHY!?

And when a person who truly does have hope in something is posed this question....
"I don't know." "I can't know."

And no answer is good enough to 'why'. Because the question 'Why?' so often comes from the disposition of desperation, weakness, or weariness. And almost no answer can answer enough.
No answer can completely soothe or calm or help.

But that is not to say there's no reason to try. Is not the question "why?" precisely what we must be prepared for? 'To give a reason for the hope that we have'?

It just got me thinking. Maybe it can get you thinking too.

How long will we stand on the street corners with our "God Hates Fags" signs, until we realize that our time is being sorely WASTED on HATING. No... God Hates Haters.

And the Haters aren't answering the questions "WHY?"

Which is the question that destroys.

Viva la Vida...

2008-09-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

So the lyrics to this one make me think a little bit...

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringin'
Roman Cavalry choirs are singin'
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

You probably all know the song as well... It's off of Coldplay's most recent album, sharing the title of this song as well. So I wonder what kind of implication is being made... Check out the full lyrics and give me thoughts?

Parallel to Christ?

Belief of disbelief in the above?

"I know St. Peter won't call my name"....?

Lyrics intrigue me sometime.... and I'd love to figure out just what kind of thought was behind the writing of this one. Not that I'm critical in any way..... Just dreadfully curious :)

Kierkegaard, the Villainous Philosopher?

2008-09-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

So when it comes to philosophy and theology, I'm a sucker. It's true. Can't you tell just by the title of the blog?
I'm reading a book titled "Batman and Philosophy: The Dark Knight of the Soul" as a sort of character study for my writing. When it comes to writing a deep, rich character/hero, who better to study than The most conflicted, intricate hero (or dare I say antihero) in all comic history?

So my path goes from this to that, from the book to wikipedia, to philosophers, and I recalled my desire to read some of the works by Soren Kierkegaard. One of the biggest concepts he has come up with was involved in one of my classes: That the true flow of worship should be from the congregation (the 'performers') to God (the Audience (of One)) with leadership by those on the platform (the 'prompters'). And something came into my mind as I was reading a little bit about Kierkegaard. He was a Christian, a pastor even, but my vague memories of learning about Kierkegaard plaster the world "existentialist" all over him, and plant him in the same circle as Hegel (whom he dismissed in one of his works) Nietzsche, Heidegger, and Sartre. Perhaps I'm missing a few vital memories, in which we redeem the purpose for which Kierkegaard was writing.... but I still get the feeling that the name Kierkegaard has ever been synonymous with the words "existentialism" and "cult philosophy".

So I wanted to look at one of the main thoughts that wikipedia vaguely covers, and think about how that thought is, or might be, redeemable as continued 'good thought'.

The Leap of Faith. Ah, yes, the scene that we've all watched in youth group when discussing faith. "You must believe, boy... You must... believe." - Henry Jones Sr. And in a most astounding and logic defying action, Indiana steps from the 'Lion's Head' and finds his faith rewarded by solid ground, hidden against the backdrop of the chasm. Quote, Wikipedia: "The leap of faith is his conception of how an individual would believe in God, or how a person would act in love. It is not a rational decision, as it is transcending rationality in favour of something more uncanny, that is, faith. As such he thought that to have faith is at the same time to have doubt."

And interesting thought... To have the faith to believe in God is to, at the same time, be forced to deal with the doubt that God might not exist. And believe nonetheless. The doubt of God's existence is the rational part of a human person's mind. I go on to quote: "For example, it takes no faith to believe that a pencil or a table exists, when one is looking at it and touching it. In the same way, to believe or have faith in God is to know that one has no perceptual or any other access to God, and yet still has faith in God."

So did we get stuck on the fact that Kierkegaard would enfer that to have faith in God, you must also doubt the fact that God exists? Or at least, overcome the doubt that God exists? I think that many times, I don't appreciate the fact that there is the possibility that God doesn't exist, as the human mind rationally works. My faith is so habitual, so 'without-a-doubt' that I don't appreciate the battle that a person must go through in their mind to believe in Christianity, after following the tenants of, say, non-theism. In this regard, maybe this is one of the reasons that faith seems to be so 'dead' in Christians today. When one grows up in, or spends a significant amount of their life in church, the absurdity of it all can very well dissipate. Now, as Christians, many of us have received some sort of affirmation that God, in fact, exists. This might be something termed as 'providence' or 'blessing' beyond human or natural means. Or it might be as important as literally hearing or seeing God. When this sort of thing punctuates our faith, then it is easier to continue believing.

But what if the other 70% of your congregation has not heard, seen, or been changed/touched by God in any way, shape, or form? It's easy to pick out the people for which church has become "the thing you do on Sunday morning" and nothing more. Habitual. I wonder if a brief reminder to our fellow brothers and sisters might be necessary - "Hey, you believe in someone who, by all human faculties, doesn't actually exist!" Might this stir an amount of fervor from our tired and habitual congregations? Or would this force a reevaluation of belief that would leave some truly questioning the faith that they thought they had?

I don't know... human beings act different ways...

To a degree, I do agree with what Kierkegaard say: that I have to remember that by faith is not based on any empirical evidence. Perhaps that may strengthen my faith all the more, especially when I receive something outside of empirical evidence that leads me to believe, more fervently, that God exists. In this light, I feel like one must take the occasional opportunity to question one's faith, so that in the end it will become all the stronger for it. Introspection, as Kierkegaard talks about. A vital part of a person's life.

Now I don't want to sound like I'm professing TRUTH to anyone. I'm just working through this in my own head as well. I think that maybe the aspect of 'mysticism' that Christianity is supposed to contain also involves the thought that our object and subject of worship is, by all empirical methods of evaluation, non-existent. I don't know about you, but I feel like it should make us excited when physical or situational proof arises of God or His work. I think I've noticed my Pastor thinking the same thing - somewhat pushing at the congregation to give a true measure of joy, instead of a polite golf-clap, when three souls are saved from eternal damnation!

So in light of reading this... what does one do? Perhaps a gentle, careful, introspection is necessary to strengthen your faith by remembering that you belief despite the lack of any proof. Recall that, even if empirical evidence has concluded that God does not exist, He has worked in your life somehow. Think of how and when that was. Then thank Him for His existence.

I end with a thought: "You have to take a step of faith. And when you do, you either discover something to stand upon, or you learn to fly."

Post-script: Again... I don't claim wisdom, nor truth. Only thought. Challenge me. Question me. Rebuke me. I want to grow as well :)

A Creative Sparkle in a Muse-less Mind

2008-08-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

So it has been quite awhile since I've felt "the Muse upon me" as regards my writing. I have had little thoughts here and there, but nothing excellent and certainly nothing that I've turned into text on paper. Just thoughts. But one particular thought has been circling my brain for hours, days, weeks..

An archenemy. A nemesis.

Among many others, I was sucked into the craziness of seeing The Dark Knight on its opening at midnight. I was awestruck at the new interpretation of The Joker that was presented - an ancient, pre-existing enemy that has been deemed the "quintessential bad guy of all time", reimagined in such a brilliant way. The thing that drew my attention was the relationship between Joker and Batman. "Two sides of the same coin" it has been said. "You complete me," Joker says. "You need me," I believe he says in another situation. And for all the evil that Joker inflicts upon Batman and Gotham, our protaganist even saves his life once! Despite the fact that Joker "dies" several times, yet keeps coming... the concept of a hero having a necessary nemesis is huge here.

I need a nemesis. Not some evil character who directs hordes of minions and sits comfortably on a throne of evilness somewhere.... A rival who gets down and dirty in his evil. For all his peons, Joker gets personally involved with everything, in direct conflict with Batman. I mean, currently disregarding the fact that he's out of his mind (assumably) and has no rhyme or reason... he is a personal villain. The evil shadow of the good hero - and shadows follow you everywhere.

The villain who doesn't have "trusted minions" and does his own dirty work for himself. Uses the "tools" (aka people) necessary to do his will, and then drops them or kills them afterward. Think the whole intro scene to the movie. And think about the fact that it is Joker, personally, who is firing the rocket launcher during the chase. He needs no one, except the person he is anti-hero to. So I need a nemesis who is the personal rival of my hero... the thorn in his side... the other side of his coin.

And thinking of Alfred's quote, I think it sums up the kind of person I need to find in my imagination:

"Some men just want to watch the world burn."

A Re-evaluation of Direction

2008-08-08T16:59:00.001-07:00

Looking back on the pathway that I have taken to bring me to this point in my life reveals some interesting things to me. When I was about the graduate high school, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. The only thing I had expressed interest in was animation for movies or games. Just so happened that there was only one private school that sounded like they offered something like that... and once I was accepted, my direction completely changed.

I feel like there are times in our lives when we are "called" or drawn or impressed to do things purely for the reason that they will lead you to something else. Case in point, above, using computer animation to bring me to IWU. But I think that once that happens in your life, you start to expect it. Maybe make it into an excuse for the pathway that you start to choose for yourself. An example of this is that I would never have been involved in the theatre program at school if it had not been for my major including some of their classes. But perhaps in total overcorrection, I believed that I had been drawn to IWU to get involved in a major that would draw me to a completely different career path... and there you go.

But then, as paths of our lives seem to do, I was drawn back to the thing that I actually went to school for. I am learned in this far more than I am "experienced" at technical theatre... though it is a very strong asset to have. In all my planning, all my scheming to get me to Chicago and struggle as a starving artist/tech and "live the theatre dream", I was going by my strength as a man. Thankfully, I awoke to a phrase that drew me back to what I believe I am supposed to be doing:

"The plans of Man shall fail."

Though I find myself in a place where I am completely unsure of what I am supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to go... I trust. I have faith that I will be taken to the place that God wants me. My plans will fail. And He has plans for me. Always has.

You too. He's got something for you, whether you see it or not. Whether you believe it or not. You are important. You have a purpose.

Here's the kickoff... Hope you're not sick of...

2008-08-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

My mind tries to work in profound and deep sorts of ways, and I thought I would make a place where I could dump my thoughts, both short and long, for inspiration, conversation, or whatever else you might take from me.

So here is.