Futility

In our lives there are times when we just feel like there's nothing we can do, no successes to be had, noplace better to go. It's true for all of us, I'm absolutely certain. It feels like all your work is for naught, all your faith is in vain, and all your hopes are worth dust. And in those times, there come mixed emotions, especially in someone who "knows all the right answers."
"Rejoice in the hard times"
"Even so, it is well with my soul"
And so on...

But to be honest with ourselves, don't we all sit back at the same time and think, "What's the deal? Are You up there?" I mean, even if there was an explanation that 'it was someone else's turn for the attention' then I'd be alright. But I know that His attention is always on me. And I know, I know, He has my best in mind... but knowing and feeling are two different things.
How do I feel?

Like I'm stuck. Like I'm not able to feel at peace or in pain. That I don't understand. That I am fighting off doubt. That I'm warding off anger.

And the answers don't help me, yet. I know I have to wait. I know I have to pray. I know I have to have faith. But sometimes that's not good enough... When you have lost you faith, how does "you gotta have faith" help? That's my point.

I'm not mad at God. Because, I mean, He could destroy me. With a flicker of half a thought. And again, I know that "He'sa cookin' something up."
But alas, the faithless, impatient, mortal that I am... I want to KNOW.
And knowing the future is impossible.

Someday, I'll look back and laugh. Look back and smile at the way I acted when God had everything under control. Someday, this will be a fond memory of what I've grown out of. Someday, things will make a little bit more sense.

Today, it feels like futility.