What I'm learning from 3:00am

They say that, for many people, the greatest fear they have to deal with on a regular basis is the last, deafeningly silent minutes (or hours) before sleep.
You would possibly think that such moments are a time of stillness and calm in the last waking hours before sleep... but it seems that it is just the opposite.

Who am I kidding, speaking like I don't know what their talking about?

How many times have you been restless and incapable of sleep because your mind continue to run a mile a minute? I've been there. I've had miserable nights before.
They say that for many of those people, they can't handle the fact that they have to confront who they are, what they're about, and those deeper questions that bug us all. The deafening silence in the moment that the worries and concerns and stresses of the day come busting in and troubling us when we ought to be getting rest.

In those rare times when my mind is relatively clear of concern, I know that my imagination likes to play around in those last moments. From the silly to the ridiculous, it's kind of like daydreaming before real-dreaming. I don't fear the darkness before bed in those times.

It's the times like tonight that I do.

My bed is waiting, my lamp yearning to be given a rest from the strain my awakeness is putting it through. I know that the moment the lights are out and I'm left alone to my thoughts, my imagination isn't going to run it's merry course until I lose consciousness.
I know that "the big things" are going to come play. The big things that I invest so much "escapism" in to avoid having to confront. I have come to recognize them as kind of the "big three".
I'll not go into my personal specifics, but let's say... work, love, and the inherent doubt of both.

It's the last of these that I'm learning a lot from.

Let's say, in a way, I often play the role of something of a fool. I relish some of these times, and in a way I feel as if I put my chin out and tell Doubt, "Give me your best shot." And let me tell you, that sucker has laid some SOLID ones on me. It hasn't been recently, but I know there were nights in college that I was sent reeling.
I'd like to say I've started to steel myself to the hooks and jabs of Doubt.
Some would say I'm stupid for challenging Doubt to try to look for the gaps in my armor.

In a way, I feel that Doubt gives me exercise on the grip of my Hope.

The harder Doubt hits, the tighter I have to hold on to Hope.

I believe Hope is a precious commodity. REGARDLESS OF POLITICAL STANCE, you have to give President Obama and his campaign one thing: They found something that people craved. Something that many people lose sight of, as the mountain ranges of "the real world" loom ever taller in the horizon of life.

As I think of it, it seems like the foolishness of standing on the brink. It might make you feel nervous that Doubt is going to lay on the almighty one-two and send your crashing into his compatriot, Despair. And as I think a little further, I can't imagine what it would be like to lay down in bed at night, with no Hope to hold on to, and let Doubt do its work on you.

I feel like 3am is teaching me something each time I allow it to creep up on me.


Unless the sole reason for being awake at 3am can be blamed on youtube, like tonight...

Find something to Hope in. Because Doubt and Despair are not opponents you can conquer. You can weather them and overcome them, but they will always be back for more.

Hope.

The Call and the Leap

There comes a time in most people's lives (I say most, because I know there are some that either never heed or never hear) when they receive their call.
For some, I think it comes in the calm, quiet sense of purpose that arises from the soul. For some, perhaps it is a literal voice acknowledging or inviting a person to this new place or position. And for others, maybe it is the passion that is suddenly felt when doing a certain thing, or being allowed to flex the 'muscles' that they have been gifted with.
All great ways to sense your calling.

But what if you feel like you have been called to take a leap of faith?

In the past, I have thought about the concept of the 'leap of faith' from Kierkegaard. The thing that sticks out prominently is the issue of faith and doubt coming hand-in-hand. To have the capacity to have great faith, there must be the reality of great doubt to either conquer or overcome. The extreme, and terribly overused and cliche, example is Indiana Jones taking "a leap of faith from the lions head". Now, not everyday are we put in the situation where such a leap could end in our demise. But how often are we placed in the situation where we feel like our decision determines the course for our lives?

I don't like the idea that you can make a decision that will alter your future forever. I believe we have been created as beings of free will to choose for ourselves. I also believe that most people pursue life choices that ultimately benefit or better their current situation. That said, I don't believe in scenarios in which you are forced to make a hard decision (perhaps between two GOOD options) and then a cruel, uncaring God responds with, "WRONG CHOICE. I'm over here. Good luck getting back."

But what happens when you are placed in a circumstance in which you feel a strong calling, a profound directive, to do something which you don't perceive to have any results, positive or negative? So you make the choice. Perhaps you have chosen to step up to the plate, take a crack at that ball, and.....

What game are we playing? Baseball? Softball? Cricket?........ Rugby?

Someone said recently that it feels like jumping off a cliff, and either waiting for a parachute to open or for gravity to take it's toll.
Another place I've read, you take a leap of faith and you either find something to hold on to, or you learn how to fly.

I've taken such a leap. I've felt such a call, yet perceived no true result to the obedience which I might display. I am terrified to the point of tears, yet confident that my lifeline will be thrown soon.

So I'm reaching out with open hands...

Futility Redux

Almost a year from Futility.

Today, it still feels like Futility.

No clarity. No direction. No possibilities. No connections. No drive. No passion. No hope. No faith.

It's hard struggling with these feelings. Hard seeing it not only be in your own life, but in that of others close to you. It's no secret that my family is struggling a little, looking at different possibilities for the future. But those are just as unknown as anything else. Something's gotta give, you would think.

It feels like a holding pattern, and one that never seems to relent.
The jokes that my family makes about "sure wish God would let us in on a little bit of what He wants or has planned"... the fact that I know that those jokes are the kind that make you "laugh to keep from crying."

Being mad at God is stupid. Already went there before. Really just stupid.
But impatient. Confused. Crushed.

Still going on promises... holding as tight as possible to promises... cause they're all that's left sometimes.

I sound so faithless right now... I know...

All I can do is hope. Hope that, like it says, 'Though we are faithless, He is faithful."

*sigh*....

Looking Beyond

Oh dear, a new post. I know, they've been so sparse....... Whatev.

My spurred thought for this evening: Sometimes I don't understand how some people can be so easily dissuaded by personal life, issues, problems, and pasts.

It makes my heart hurt sometimes that a person would be so terrified to reveal deep, dark secrets to people because they are immediately afraid of judgment. Who are we, if not hypocrites, to condemn them?

It equally breaks my heart to have someone reveal one of those things, and for them to be so touched by the positive reaction of the listener. I know... it's been me, before. And it hurt in my soul that my natural reaction of love towards a hurting person was the most unexpected reaction imagined.

We all hurt. We're all broken. Some of us, as the song says, broken till we shatter. We're as a whole, a scattered mess of pieces lying on the floor, interacting within the "shame" of our brokenness... our human-ness... and expecting other people to descend upon us in judgment for the poor shape our vessel contains...

Our vessels are destroyed. But love brings out the beauty in the pattern of these broken crystals, these broken souls.

It's love... it's all we need. Not just the love of an individual partner... but the love of our fellows.

I challenge you, today. Love someone who is unlovable. And I'll do the same thing. Maybe, just maybe, we can make a difference in this world.

And if nothing else, in one person's life.... you can make a world of difference....

Fate and Coincidence, Doors and Windows

So you've all heard the old saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."

First of all, as a random thought, who ever wants to go out a window? Are we escaping a fire? Isn't there usually a fall outside a window? Why doesn't He open another door, as a more normal method of advancing from where we are?

Okay, just wanted to get that off my chest.

I don't believe in coincidences. I think things happen for a reason and a purpose, even sometimes in the most miniscule ways. But I also don't believe that things are locked, in that Fate sort of way. I believe that there are ways that mankind can contradict something of design. We do, after all, have the ability to make decisions for ourselves.

But when it comes to the point about doors, I'm just not sure what to do with it. I'm reminded of a joke where a man sits atop his roof as the floodwaters have submerged his house. A rescue boat drifts by and offers to help. He refuses, saying God will save him. Next is a helicopter. Same response. Then the waters rise and he drowns. At the gates of Heaven, he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" To which God replies, "I sent you help, but you never took it!"

So I believe that God opens doors, He sets about plans, He has an intention for my life. But since I am a creature of free will and choice, I have to step through those doors. So... what happens if my doubt anchors me so that I never choose to step through any door? I am stuck, unsure of what the "right" and "wrong" paths for my life are. I overanalyze my entire being. And when that's all finished, I realize that I'm still in the same place as I was before, because I never chose to actually go anywhere.

And now I have taken a step towards a door - a right or wrong door, it doesn't matter - but at least I have taken the step. I think it's more disappointing to not choose at all, than to "choose wrong." But this doesn't exactly give me courage toward the decisions that I've made. I still sit back in my nerves and anxiety and wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

Making decisions is hard. Sometimes life can be so difficult, you know?

Undivided Devotion

I Corinthians 7:25-35 TNIV
"Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
"What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who are married should live as if they were not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband.
"I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in UNDIVIDED DEVOTION TO THE LORD."

So what is Paul saying here? You can't ever disregard the cultural context of a particular verse - in fact, it is your responsibility to first consider it before attempting to apply it today. Obviously, 2000 years later, we realize that the time was not as short as Paul seems to say, but that may not be the point. In the grand scheme of ETERNITY, sure, our time on this earth is very short. But perhaps that spans much longer than any lifetime.

Perhaps we are thinking of this verse along the lines of the saying (albeit cheesy sometimes) "I want to be so in love with God that a guy/girl has to find HIM to find me" or whatever other variation on that theme you can come up with. Our responsibility is to be wholly devoted to God, and for our attraction to be more based on similar devotion with another believer. Maybe?

So when does the devotion to the Lord become "too much"? I have heard it said that if your job begins to infringe on your relationship with your family, then you should cool it on the job and reestablish your family time. But what if your job IS ministry? Your job is, in essence, devotion to the Lord? Or do we presume that one's devotion to the Lord has shifted to devotion to a ministry/job, and that there must be a redefining of motive and intention?

It seems a paradox, somewhat. God created marriage, and certainly we see that the first instance of it was in a direct relationship with God at the same time. But here, it seems that Paul may not believe in the ability of a married couple to remain wholly devoted to God.

I certainly understand the idea: One's devotion to God is truly challenged when there are worldly, and marital, issues at hand. The work and difficulty that is inherent in marriage are sure to draw attention aside. But I ask this: Aren't there just as many other things that do exactly that as well? Why do we pay particular attention to marriage as having the potential to distract from a relationship with God?

Relationship with video games? With money? With social situations? With the self?

There are plenty of other obstacles here. And they are things that you daily attempt to tackle by yourself. Could not a spouse, with equal understanding of a whole devotion to God, be the best thing for a person?

Perhaps that's what might be understood when Paul says, "Those who are married should live as if they were not." Two individuals, both with a strong relationship with God, living together and attacking the challenges of life together. Both understand that the first-and-foremost thing in their lives is their devotion to God - perhaps so much so that they become more concerned with those things than even their own relationship. But could that really work? Surely there are times in which one might say, "I need a little of your time now, please."

It seems difficult to me... On one hand, we were not created to be alone. We are discontent, alone. We need another half. But on the other hand, the very thing we, as human beings, need is the very thing that is suggested to distract us from God the most. Hmm...

So do I search out a spouse? Perhaps not actively. As Jesus Himself says, "I must be about my Father's business." But surely He felt this strain as well. He did, after all, experience and deal with all the things we deal with. So what were His thoughts? Do man and woman disregard each other for sake of their ministry to the rest of the world? Do man and woman attempt to unite for the sake of their ministry?

Maybe there is a person who has the exact same calling, to the exact same ministry as you. Perhaps you are passionate about the same exact thing, and therefore your relationship/marriage allows you to remain wholly devoted to God, even within your seperate lives.

Perhaps two people realize the identical nature of their calling, and just say, "Hey, I do this; You do this; Do you want to do this together, for the rest of our lives?" But does a relationship based heavily on a identical call to ministry stand? Shouldn't it? Wouldn't God bless that relationship?

Who knows? Do you?

Futility

In our lives there are times when we just feel like there's nothing we can do, no successes to be had, noplace better to go. It's true for all of us, I'm absolutely certain. It feels like all your work is for naught, all your faith is in vain, and all your hopes are worth dust. And in those times, there come mixed emotions, especially in someone who "knows all the right answers."
"Rejoice in the hard times"
"Even so, it is well with my soul"
And so on...

But to be honest with ourselves, don't we all sit back at the same time and think, "What's the deal? Are You up there?" I mean, even if there was an explanation that 'it was someone else's turn for the attention' then I'd be alright. But I know that His attention is always on me. And I know, I know, He has my best in mind... but knowing and feeling are two different things.
How do I feel?

Like I'm stuck. Like I'm not able to feel at peace or in pain. That I don't understand. That I am fighting off doubt. That I'm warding off anger.

And the answers don't help me, yet. I know I have to wait. I know I have to pray. I know I have to have faith. But sometimes that's not good enough... When you have lost you faith, how does "you gotta have faith" help? That's my point.

I'm not mad at God. Because, I mean, He could destroy me. With a flicker of half a thought. And again, I know that "He'sa cookin' something up."
But alas, the faithless, impatient, mortal that I am... I want to KNOW.
And knowing the future is impossible.

Someday, I'll look back and laugh. Look back and smile at the way I acted when God had everything under control. Someday, this will be a fond memory of what I've grown out of. Someday, things will make a little bit more sense.

Today, it feels like futility.