What I'm learning from 3:00am

They say that, for many people, the greatest fear they have to deal with on a regular basis is the last, deafeningly silent minutes (or hours) before sleep.
You would possibly think that such moments are a time of stillness and calm in the last waking hours before sleep... but it seems that it is just the opposite.

Who am I kidding, speaking like I don't know what their talking about?

How many times have you been restless and incapable of sleep because your mind continue to run a mile a minute? I've been there. I've had miserable nights before.
They say that for many of those people, they can't handle the fact that they have to confront who they are, what they're about, and those deeper questions that bug us all. The deafening silence in the moment that the worries and concerns and stresses of the day come busting in and troubling us when we ought to be getting rest.

In those rare times when my mind is relatively clear of concern, I know that my imagination likes to play around in those last moments. From the silly to the ridiculous, it's kind of like daydreaming before real-dreaming. I don't fear the darkness before bed in those times.

It's the times like tonight that I do.

My bed is waiting, my lamp yearning to be given a rest from the strain my awakeness is putting it through. I know that the moment the lights are out and I'm left alone to my thoughts, my imagination isn't going to run it's merry course until I lose consciousness.
I know that "the big things" are going to come play. The big things that I invest so much "escapism" in to avoid having to confront. I have come to recognize them as kind of the "big three".
I'll not go into my personal specifics, but let's say... work, love, and the inherent doubt of both.

It's the last of these that I'm learning a lot from.

Let's say, in a way, I often play the role of something of a fool. I relish some of these times, and in a way I feel as if I put my chin out and tell Doubt, "Give me your best shot." And let me tell you, that sucker has laid some SOLID ones on me. It hasn't been recently, but I know there were nights in college that I was sent reeling.
I'd like to say I've started to steel myself to the hooks and jabs of Doubt.
Some would say I'm stupid for challenging Doubt to try to look for the gaps in my armor.

In a way, I feel that Doubt gives me exercise on the grip of my Hope.

The harder Doubt hits, the tighter I have to hold on to Hope.

I believe Hope is a precious commodity. REGARDLESS OF POLITICAL STANCE, you have to give President Obama and his campaign one thing: They found something that people craved. Something that many people lose sight of, as the mountain ranges of "the real world" loom ever taller in the horizon of life.

As I think of it, it seems like the foolishness of standing on the brink. It might make you feel nervous that Doubt is going to lay on the almighty one-two and send your crashing into his compatriot, Despair. And as I think a little further, I can't imagine what it would be like to lay down in bed at night, with no Hope to hold on to, and let Doubt do its work on you.

I feel like 3am is teaching me something each time I allow it to creep up on me.


Unless the sole reason for being awake at 3am can be blamed on youtube, like tonight...

Find something to Hope in. Because Doubt and Despair are not opponents you can conquer. You can weather them and overcome them, but they will always be back for more.

Hope.